we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
