I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
