What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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