***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
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