A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
