dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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