I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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