I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
