I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
