Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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