my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I want to be your penis for a week.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
