Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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