Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
