Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
