what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I love having hate sex.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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