I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
