I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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