my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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