So drunk its hurt
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
