I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
