Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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