never play flip cup with pint glasses
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
