I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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