last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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