Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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