Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
