I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize