happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
