sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
