she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
