Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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