His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
