Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
