My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
