His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
