you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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