Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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