You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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