y did u give ur computer a hand job?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
