Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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