no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
