After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
