he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
