it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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