I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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