Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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