Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
