i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
