I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
