nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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