if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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