that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I know her cup size but not her name....
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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