If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
the liver wants what the liver wants
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm like, not good at living.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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