Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
