I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
