I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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