My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
