ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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