I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
