We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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