just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
