hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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