Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize