Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
