i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
