In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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